The New Food Rules

I'm trying to be happier and healthier, so here are the new food rules:

1. No fast food. I will not eat food from anywhere that has a mascot, especially one that looks like he eats acid for breakfast.

2. At least 1 serving of veggies or one salad per day and butter and dressing are out. From now on, it's lemon juice, balsamic vinegar, hummus, or lowfat plain yogurt. Yum.

3. Water . . . lots of it. When 1 billion of the world's people are dying for clean water, what exactly am I doing eschewing it for diet coke?

4. Cheese is a treat, not a staple, and British and American cheeses are just a mess. So, goat's cheese and Parmesan for me, and sparingly.

5. Meat is a treat too, so two servings per week. And, if I'm going to eat meat so infrequently, I want good, gamey meat like goat and rabbit . . . with the occasional sausage. I just can't quite give up my cajun style sausage.

6. Fish, while infinitely better that meat, is also a treat. I'm cutting down on the tuna (too much mercury anyway) and looking more toward shellfish, shrimp, and squid (but not fried squid. Why would you want to take something that good for you and utterly decimate it?).

7. Saturday is the day of a sweet dessert. No one except for fat rich Americans thinks that dessert is something that you eat everyday after dinner.

8. The best snacks are fruits, veggies, and nuts, so I will eat those with the occasional guacamole (Yucatan is real; if the brand says guacamole "flavored," run, run away!) or lentil hummus dipped pita wedges to mix it up.

9. Ezekial Bread, homebaked bread, or pita. That other stuff is not bread. It's soylent green, folks.